I first saw this book on a post on Instagram where the person had stated that they had read this book numerous times. She mentioned that each time she had read it, it had brought her to tears as it had challenged her to reflect on various aspects of her life. So obviously I decided to read it!
There were other reasons why I read the book. Being the eldest daughter is said to come with some perks such as being a perfectionist, struggling to say no and having people-pleasing tendencies. Also, at the beginning of the year, I had been grappling with the concept of happiness, what that means and if it is really something that we should be pursuing - and if it is, what is it that we are actually pursuing? (Again another blog) So for this reason, I immersed myself into this book.
“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a Japanese phenomenon that teaches us simple yet profound lessons to liberate our real selves and find lasting happiness. It shows how we can unlock the power within ourselves to become our best and truest selves, change our future, and achieve real happiness. Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of 19th-century psychology, the authors explain how we are free to determine our own future, unshackled by past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others. It’s a philosophy that’s profoundly liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change and ignore limitations placed on ourselves by others.
I’m not very good at reading non-fiction, however the way this book is written is both captivating and engaging. As you read, you are following the dialogue between a young man and a philosopher as the young man inquires into the meaning of life. The writing mirrors the dialectical method reminiscent of Socrates.
With any school of thought, it is open to debate and challenge, which makes it even more intriguing. It will have you analysing your thoughts and actions and at some point you may even find yourself arguing with yourself. In addition, it has an interesting take on how we should view our unhealthy thoughts and behaviours and an even more interesting perspective on how we confront and address these thoughts and behaviours.
Without giving too much away, I’ll outline my main takeaways from the book:
Your past does not define your future. This section of the book has sparked significant debate and strong reactions among many readers. However the freeing element of it is that we are in control of our own narrative regardless of what has happened to us in the past.
There is no such thing as can’t. Linked to the first point is the controversial point that despite what has happened to us, we can choose to live the life we want. If we are not social the way we would like to be, loving the way we would like to be or generous the way we would like to be, this is not because of our experiences but because we are choosing to live this way. Even as I write this, I am feeling challenged once again. There are a lot of things I know I need to be doing and want to be doing - training for this 10k, finishing my book - but I tell myself I can’t because I don’t have time. The reality is I’m choosing not to (puts the iPad down as the revelation wrecks me once more). This was actually one of the reasons why I joined the 5am club. I was struggling to train in the evenings after work, so after the reading the book I thought there must be a solution that I can implement. I found that doing it in the mornings was not only the best solution, but really helped me to set up a productive day.
Happiness is a choice that’s available to you, right now. At the beginning of the blog, I spoke about my thinking around the pursuit of happiness. The philosopher impresses on the young man that happiness is something that can be obtained now. We can choose to be happy regardless of where we are on our journeys. I'll leave you to find out how through reading the book.
I am responsible for me. There was a chapter in the book that absolutely challenged me - the whole book did - but this was a strong reminder that I can only control me. This has an impact on our thoughts of comparing ourselves to others as well as worrying about what others think of us. I can’t control that and neither am I responsible for that.
Being disliked is a natural consequence of living authentically. The title of the book. Inevitably we need to possess the courage to be disliked as this is the only way we can live in freedom. Our lives should not consist of us worrying about how we compare to others (although a little competition is healthy) nor should we be worrying about the risk of being disliked. Only when we choose to live in this way, will we find true happiness.
I would definitely encourage others to read this book. It is thought-provoking, at times mind boggling but ultimately life changing.
(Click the link above to purchase)
Some of the takeaways may be controversial, but this is the point where I leave you to argue with yourself!
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